New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
day 8: i just gave goat a piece of pineapple soaked in rum. as an animal science major, im ashamed. as a normal person, it was awesome.
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
Randomize
