Why are handjobs necessary in class?
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
"romantic friends" sounds more classy then friends with benfits
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
She had a toddler. It threw up and then some guy said party foul and put it on the porch. Going back next Friday.
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
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