the lady in the checkout infront of me had a case of beer, two 40 oz, and activia...really??i dont' think irregularity is her problem
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
Maybe because you rubbed my clit while we were making churros
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
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