There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
Also, the drinking age in Japan is 20. At what point in the sky am I allowed to start downing alcohol?
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
Sangria Flip Cup was probably one of our worse drunken decisions
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
Randomize
