that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
Topless dodge ball cldnt top that
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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