I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
you kept saying how you wanted to mainline bacardi right into your bloodstream. medical school is doing wonderful things to your brain
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
Randomize
