If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
I'm having a self conscious moment and I need your complete honest opinion of my boobs.
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
Its only.eleven and we are already chasing a man on a bike with a bag full of burger king
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
DON NOT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES WATCH CLOWN PORN.
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Randomize
