Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
I think we need to find a happy medium between fried food and dicks. This could end badly.
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
I just gotta say that I feel so much better now that I got some. I mean I feel like a normal functioning adult ready to contribute to society.
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
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