pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
You are the one person I know will appreciate this- and I'm aware that its nearly 5 am- but I have 3 words... G spot orgasm. BE JEALOUS
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
Randomize
