its good for cellulite if you don't wear underwear. its true
hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
He's def the type to chop us into bits whilst screaming "NAPA BITCH". AKA my type
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
he's the second guy to suck on my nipple in front of my friends that i haven't made out with.
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
Is it totally terrible that I just signed up for classes and already found the guy I'm going to bang??
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
Randomize
