apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
Her cum face looks like the large marge scene in pee-wees big adventure
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
You missed out on a serious adventure. Cops were called. We put a chicken in someones house.
Well, as a member of the greater american southwest gay community I just have to mark this as a total loss and you will be missed.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
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