i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
i sent you a picture of beads you send me a picture of boobs how hard is this to understand
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
Ever find a porn video so groundbreaking you mentally cancel all your Dick Appointments for the week?
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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