im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
We peed on a building I think...like a building in downtown...not out of view of anyone.
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
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