I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
I feel like I would bang a guy with a dick piercing just to say I have...like climbing a huge mountain or somethig
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
If we accept the love we think we deserve do we also accept the sex we think we deserve?
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
There we go, I shall begin my attempt to achieve whore status today
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Randomize
