I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
Does my status still say I suck cocks? I don't know how to change it
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
We peed on a building I think...like a building in downtown...not out of view of anyone.
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
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