If i could tip my vagina, i would.
the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
My roommate still talks on AIM. What is this middle school?
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
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