i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
i barfeds in our rink
wtf. i just found you're porn stash.
u like it?
NOT THE POINT.
i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
I did not marry a roomba.
Randomize
