You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
now were playing what girl doesnt belong in the picture of girls in bikinis.
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
you were stumbling down richmond carrying a girl in a nurse costume. its not even halloween dude
It wasn't like a party or anything. They played PlayStation and talked about sports. Then I threw up on his porch.
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
Randomize
