Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
And we will make penis cookies and eat them suggestively
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
I wonder if he just picks random boners to send or just the realy impressive ones
just saw someone whip out a flask during lecture... I think I found a study partner
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
Randomize
