There was so much of it... it was like he poured a bowl of pudding on my face. It's not bad for your hair is it?
it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
you yelled that ur labia majora was swollen at 3 am in the dorm hallway
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
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