Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
Ask her if said friend is decent looking or a wildabeast. Need to know if I need to top these 8 coronas off with a little tequila.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
It was great. Somehow, sleeping with her sister cured everything!
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
I hope you know, that by sending me a cat meme back, you've entered in a cat picture battle; which never has an end in sight.
The duel has begun.
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
