It's pouring out. I am cold, wet, and miserable.... Kind of reminds me of our sleepover last night.
We ran out of things to say while we were playing Never Have I Ever so we started playing I Have Done This... Have You?
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
Well, it was good.. One step forward for my vaj.. One giant leap backwards for my integrity.
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
Randomize
