You know, be my cock's hype man.
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
We shall study the pictures later and see if his penis is worth my time.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
