I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
At least now when I say "never again" the likelihood is that it won't actually happen again the next weekend...that my friend is called growth
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
I need someone to play with my boobs. Even platonically. I just need a good groping
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
Randomize
