There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
its easy. just sleep with a bunch of guys until one falls in love
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
I'm hosting my annual valentine's day party tomorrow with every hookup I've ever had. thoughts on how it will turn out ??
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
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