All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
Besides you're a Tennessee fan and it'd be against my religion to have your penis inside me today.
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
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