If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
Who knew a blowjob could cause this kind of crazy
He wasn't prepared for it
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
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