My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
we just ha sex. he lasted two minutes. i told him to leave because i had class
isnt today saturday?
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
he could've at least fucked me twice. that's just common courtesy.
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
I believe in weed hangovers. To say the least.
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
Randomize
