his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
No stitches, just platelets and will power
Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
the semester is winding down: time to procrastinate by googling cheap keg options
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
I'm always down for nudity.
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