one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
vagina is talking i cant
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
Ok- my dad's ex-wife's Irish nephew. Weird if we fuck or not?
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
I want to go out and have good clean fun.
Ok, but that does not include Bud Light Platinum and your vagina.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
We should get drunk in walmart
when?
20 minutes ago
I just recommended that the library purchase the first major hentai with tentacle porn. Really, I'm doing everyone a favor.
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
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