Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
Yeah, the email that I was sending to get an Escort for the weekend, copied and pasted to my boss, that should be interesting conversation, when I come back from Christmas vacation break.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
Randomize
