I am not sure how to feel about the fact that I was turned on by someone with a penis. I can't believe Lady Gaga would do this to me. :(
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
i yelled at him for a little and we ended up fucking in a random tennis court.
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
Yeah sorry about that. I got pulled into the Russian student society's end of term party. There was too much vodka and eurodance to come help you pack.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
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