dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
Randomize
