...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
Her problem is just that he inner beauty is just as ugly as her physical beauty
He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
Randomize
