Reasons why i shouldn't be drunk and upset: i'm going to a boy's
Went to gas station for smokes. three cops pulled in. got gas i didn't need. found diff gas station.
good choice.
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
Is it wrong that I get drunk and let him eat me out then fall asleep? He offers me so much and yet I do nothing. I feel like a republican.
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Randomize
