Define "chronic" masturbator.
So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
Randomize
