I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
People were drinking out of 26ers with straws, and somewhere someone yelled "fill me with dicks!" I'm home.
Is it wrong i wouldn't sleep with him because his boxers said #1 dad all over them?
Ever since the Christmas fiasco of '08, I can no longer watch Rudolf the Red nosed reindeer without getting a hard on
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
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