More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
Randomize
