There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
if being creepy is wrong, then i don't want to be right
47 days without vaginal penetration. Im pretty sure it's grown over.
Do you realize that if your cunt was a missing person it would be assumed dead?
Is it sad that when she told me he has a small peen I felt like it made us more compatible?
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
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