i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
also, made a drinking game out of my birthday photos....drink everytime alcohol is in a photo. going through all 350 of them.
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
Hey I didn't mean to come across like I was judging you about your liberal sexual choices. I would like details of your threesome if you need to talk about it!
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
Randomize
