Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
Watching her eat just hurts me
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
