Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
I got an MIP via FUCKING HELICOPTER. Tuscaloosa police either have nothing to do or too many resources.
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
I don't know if I want to fuck him or punch him in the face.
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
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