you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
Is it normal that I have to take off my pants to get mouth stitches removed?
take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
So I just introduced myself to this guy in front of me and now he's saving my pictures on facebook to his phone..
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
There's a drag queen here that reminds me strongly of you. You should try crossdressing.
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
Randomize
