where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
It's not slutty if it's for workout purposes...right?
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
Chang gave me a 1.5 gallon beer tasting cup, i have a new boyfriend with a huge stick, Members of the Irish Rugby team slapped my ass and cheered for firmness, and a couple of strangers are naming the child after me. Best. Weekend.Ever.
He said I could stop sending ass pics now and just say hello. I'm not sure if that means he's no longer interested, or that he's a gentleman??
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
Randomize
