OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
This taco party has no tacos, just a hot asian guy in booty shorts. We were lied to.
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
I just saw a kid on iowa campus story that looked like the guy i made out with on spring break.
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
as a side note pls kill me
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
