from now on my penis is your penis
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
her boobs were like sundried tomatoes..
It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
And then we will celebrate by drinking and making fun of him. As per usual.
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
Randomize
