i dont know what it is, i just found it in my pants.
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
exactly. I want him to have to live with the fact that he fucked me. I want him to look me in the eye and say "you were a drunken mistake".
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
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