Hey, do you have a beer bong you could drop off at my little brother's place?
Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
he refuses to go down on me anymore when he's high because he thinks my clit piercing stares at him
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
Randomize
