the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
There's no point in calling it Big Titties Tuesday if girls with big tits don't get anything special
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
Randomize
