Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
Did I show you my penis last night?
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
I know, I know. But we've discussed my friends and appropriate social behaviour, and I'm pretty sure topless karaoke was a no-no.
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
3 2 1 whiskey
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
Randomize
