Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
so he just left - touched my cheek like he was gona kiss me and then gave me a fist bump?
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
just told my prof that "i dont give a fuck" about the final. nothing like a having a signed employment contract already
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
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