did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
Walking by Farrand Field is better than a porno right now.
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
I have no idea. Next thing I know we're all down on one knee saying the pledge of allegiance and then singing I'm Proud to be an American. Then Trevor ate pizza off the sidewalk.
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
right after that u started calling me g-force and started trying to bellyslide down his drive way
Randomize
